I have a sorrow.
That at times turns big, at times turns small.
But it´s always there.
It changes me. Changes my eyes.
A sorrow that keeps me company,
a sorrow that isolates me.
Makes me unrecognizable.
Makes me know myself.
It´s a long sorrow.
That gets my eyes wet and my will dry.
It´s a long sorrow, one that teaches patience. Forcefully.
I drag my feet.
It weighs on me.
I drag myself forward.
It weighs on me.
It´s a deep sorrow. It seems to have no bottom.
I don´t see it. I don´t tear myself apart.
It´s a muffled sorrow. I can´t grab it.
It´s a deaf sorrow, a humming that comes with.
It makes noise, but doesn´t listen.
It has no malice.
It just is.
I´m not on the brink of the abyss, but the path seems endless.
It´s new, and yet I wonder how it will be to live without it.
How was it living without it?
It´s a sorrow that doesn´t tie a knot in my throat.
But it does close it a bit, and with every swallow it makes itself present.
It´s a sorrow without time.
It just is.
I can´t reproach her anything. I can´t blame her.
It has no malice.
It asks me for windows, it asks me to look.
To look and not to see.
It asks me for silence. It asks me to hear.
It asks me for ink.
Ink that dries up my eyes.
Ink that is my ally.
Ink that takes tiny pieces of sorrow away and makes them its own.
It asks me to go out, but doesn´t abandon me.
It asks for air and page, more than water.
It wants to breathe deep, to fill her lungs.
It wants to run freely over the paper.
Wants to see the light at times, but loves my darkness.
I´m learning to host it.
Embrace.
Accept.
To let her live in me.
To let my darkness be her uterus.
Makes sense.
And I talk to her, and I sing to her.
It injures me, but I protect her. From myself.
Because I need her.
I need her to live.
It hurts me, but I don´t want to kill her.
I need to feel it, I need to live it.
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how about him?
he must know a bit of her pain and sorrow.
and its not about getting rid of the pain, its about not becoming hollow.
well, to say something about the difference, i had to wait 20 years, but it was worth it.
